KONICHIWA, bitches.

Donuts. I'M GETTING FAT. I start to put pants on, a pair I wore last week, but we didn't get very far.... so I'm wearing a different pair. UGH. Diet - workout time.

Today's Intern: K8IE, SK8IE

Katie is recruited to babysit Baby Dean. Father, Tony Mott, offers her video games, beer, and CANDY! Hooray! Oh, the 'specifications.' Tony was considering paying her $100. Who speaks pervert? He does: "Maybe she'll breast feed him." To the left is what Beth and Tony can expect to come home to.

What's worse?

You're stranded suspended in a Sky Ride arial cable car.

During a lightening storm.

And, it's suspended over the Bronx Zoo's Lion Den.

Stories of Rape with a Silver Lining...

*British rapist received a life sentence for raping a woman. He purchased a lotto ticket while under supervision during his prison sentence. He was released after 10 years of serving. The victim is suing him for a portion of his lotto winnings.

*Tufts Univ - someone raped a girl. Aw, I missed it.

News & Sports:

>Government eaves dropping - civil act legislation regarding social surveilance.

>Jesse Jackson thought his mic was off at one point, talks smack about Barack Obama. "I wanna cut his nuts off." Who doesn't want to cut someone else's nuts off?

>CA railway authority is working to propose a high speed rail train that would connect Sacramento to the BAY to LA. Much like ... the Jetsons.

>CHP - 7 days how many tickets have been given for driving on the cell phone. 1,000 tickets.

>The Ramsey family gets cleared. Patsy died of cancer in 2006. Anyway, there's new evidence in the family's favor that they are not resposible for the death of creepy pageant baby, JonBenet... Her life was kind of cursed from the getgo.

>A's fell apart to the Mariners. 6-4

>Giants took on the Mets. Lost 5-0

>5th win of the season... uh?

>Warriors have a signed offer sheet for the Laker's somebody someone.

>LV police arrested a second suspect for kidnapping, robbery, and conspiracy against Walker.

>Forbes: by 2010 Tiger Woods will be the first person to earn $1 billion by playing a single sport. (Happens to be golf. See, something I know!)

CaCa Story:
Taiwan: there is a Modern Toilet restaurant where you can eat food out of little toilet shaped bowls, sit on closed toilets, and eat poo shaped and colored foods. Hmmmm.

Who freakin' cares?

*Australia (?) A man imprisoned a 16 year old sex slave in an underground shack for 19 hours and raped him is suing police for mistreatment. He claims that he was victimized because during his stay in prison guards asked other inmates to spit in his food and when he asked for a drink of water he was told to drink out of the toilet. Boohoo.

DumbAss Contest (5 winners)

Will Ravey's nose know it? Stinky stinky shoes.

Winner won: Hellboy II & Topspin for Xbox 360 & Wii

7:41 AM - I have to poop.

Airplane & Airlines news - Why $4 a gallon of gas isn't so bad.

I miss the first and better portion of this segment 'cuz I'm taking down all the info for all our fabulous prize winners.

*Street walker and her John are stopped to find out he had paid her for her sexual favors with a gas card.

*Shady Lady Ranch - promoting their brothel with free gas for over an hour of "services" at their establishment. Yes! Now you can have sex and get gas.

*Drivers of UPS have been instructed to only make right turns in their trucks. Their research finds that turning right saves gas. Sitting in idle waiting to make a left turn, might as well stay in motion by going right only. Funny that. Yell at the next big brown truck that's waiting to go left!

*Lately people have been topping off their rented U-Haul tanks with water when they return them to the company. Clever. Kinda.

Music & Entertainment:

>COLDPLAY NEWS. Boycott.

>Rise Against - almost done w/ their new album. Considering 'Moonrock' as a title for the album.

>Courney Cox is appearing in 3 episodes of Scrubs. Moving from NBC to ABC. She has blue eyes and dark hair. Hot.

>MGM is remaking Red Dawn of the 1980's... Described on the show as corny and cheesey.

>Robert Downey Jr. is going to play Sherlock Holmes. Sasha Baron-Cohen and Will Farrell are also going to star in a Sherlock movie in the future... The photo to the left is of Downey Jr. as a black man in Tropic Thunder.
>Noel Gallagher (of Oasis) - we have no intentions of pulling a "Radiohead" where fans can DL songs off a website for free. He didn't spend time in an expensive studio in London to give his music away. "F that."

Sexy Time Fun Facts - Tips to get you laid half of the time with half of the women out there.

Australia:

1/4 women on a reg basis look at porn

1/5 are in their own porn

65% of women jill off at least once a month

Half of the women out there want sex when it's offered.

When did your parents find out you were having sex? Did they beat the "slut" out of you?

• Dad was napping. They were on the sofa, dad walked out and caught her. Called the cops because she had a warrant for her arrest.
• Mom found the condom in their trashcan. Kept it in her pocket
• Fell asleep in the car, nakey. Her parents caught them in the back seat...
• Tony's mom informs him that they weren't all that quiet back in sophomore year
• Woody's dog eated a condom out of the trash?
• When she got pregnant
• Woody's "beat the slut out" story - he was sent to a Desert Camp thing?
• She passed out in bed with her dude, her mom came home drunk, kicked him out, beat her, and dropped her off at the police station.
• Great gramma walked in on them at Christmas time

8:55 AM - Was it just gas? I haven't pooped in a whole day! Panic.

Dental Talk makes me wander the streets of cyberspace aimlessly. And I come across this AWESOME website. Ugly Babies Dot Com. This rules. I just hope my kids don't ever end up on any of these ungodly pages.

Grade Today's Show: 80.2% A (B for .... uhhhhh. Stupid?)

Just the Headline: "Die hard knitters prepare for sock battle."